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Monday, 22 July 2013

Dirk's new jam

Today we have a guest post by Jamie - a rare treat indeed, as normally he won't even write shopping lists. It's inspired by my wife Roz's weekly column The Undercover Soundtrack, in which authors describe the music that helps them to create. So without further ado:

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Dirk Lloyd says:

"My corpulent minion, that blubbing wormling, Jamie Thomson told me about your blog, in which you ask great authors and writers to tell you about the songs they listen to while writing. My slave writer, Jamie, claims he cannot abide music while he is writing as it distracts him from the work in hand - i.e. writing up my biography according to my dictates.

"I must say, I have to agree with this. He is a weak-minded old sot, easily distracted by the most simple of things, like cup cakes or the buzz of a bumble bee or the smell of burgers frying in the morning. I have enough trouble keeping him focussed on the task at hand, let alone introducing music into the mix - my cattle prod would run out of batteries in no time!

"Nevertheless, perhaps the readers of your Undercover Soundtrack blog-thing would be interested in the Dark Lord's favourite songs? If not, I shall create my own Underworld Soundtrack and force that other minion of mine, Dave Morris, to put it on his Fabled Lands blog. These are the tunes I listen to whilst my biography is being written. It is indeed a pleasure to listen to these fine works whilst watching my slave chained to a desk, scribbling away! Every now and again, the music is enhanced by the cry of the Thomson as I jab him awake. Ahhh, simple pleasures eh?

"Thankfully, you puny humans are quite good at making music. Here are my top twelve favourite tunes..."

Dirk Lloyd’s Playlist 

1: The Imperial March (Darth Vader theme tune from Star Wars) - John Williams 

I went through a phase where I hid some speakers in a full on Dark Lord's outfit and swept into rooms with this blaring out at full volume! But then I realized that I was pandering to the fame and greatness of a different kind of Dark Lord. I knew I had to find a signature tune of my own, so for now I use this:

2: Dracula – Philip Glass and the Kronos Quartet

Spooky but also short, which sometimes is a good thing. Shame the vampire had to die like that - I could have made good use of the Count, may Van Helsing suffer the Curse of the Withered Plums! But it's good as my entrance music. Gets peoples attention. Until I can get one especially written for me.

3: Waltz in Black - the Stranglers

It really sounds like Agrash Snotripper, one of my Goblin Captains, sniggering in the background. Could the Stranglers have somehow travelled to the Darklands and recorded some of my goblin servitors all those years ago? I will have to investigate further.

4: Yoshime – the Flaming Lips 

The only problem is that the ‘those evil robots’ don’t win in the end. Wish they would. Get rid of those blasted humans once and for all.

5: Iron Man – Black Sabbath

Heh, heh, I know how he feels. He can come and work for me, anytime!

6: Bela Lugosi’s Dead - Bauhaus

I think they are confusing an actor with a real vampire, but still. If only they knew.

7: Cantara - Dead can Dance

My kind of chanting weirdness, like a witch dancing around a fire and casting some a hex or a curse! Oh yeah! Well, maybe. Maybe she’s just singing, but still, I like to imagine, you know, that’s she’s an evil witch and that.

8: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - Ennio Morricone

Christopher’s the Good, I’m the Bad, and Sooz is the… no wait, what am I saying?

9: Our Darkness - Richard Hawley

Nice guitar but also lots of good stuff about darkness.

10: Heaven must be missing an angel - Tavares

This is a real ‘oldie’ apparently from some kind of almost mythical age on earth you humans call ‘The 70s’. I don’t even like it, it’s all happy and lovey dovey, but I thought it would be cool if I could get someone to do a cover version but with new lyrics so it was about me. You know, like ‘Hell must be missing a Devil, Missin' one devil child, 'cause you're here with me right now.’ That type of thing.

11: I can’t die, if dying is without you - AngelBile

Classic Death Goth tune.

12: I like my coffee black and bitter, like my heart - AngelBile

Sooz's favourite. Though apparently AngelBile aren't real!!! How can that be? Next thing you know people will be telling me I'm not real!

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Jamie Thomson has been a writer of books and computer games for many years. He is now the minion and slave of the Dark Lord, Dirk Lloyd. He lives in the dungeons below his Master's Iron Tower, chained to a desk, where he spends every day writing for his overlord. Or else. 

As for the Dark Lord, Dirk Lloyd, it is best to let him explain who he is in his own words: 
I am a Dark Lord. Well, I say a Dark Lord. Really I mean THE Dark Lord. I ruled from my Iron Tower of Despair in the Darklands for many ages but then my arch enemy, the White Wizard Hasdruban got lucky, and defeated me in a great battle. He cast me out of my world and I fell to earth, landing in one of your disgusting little supermarket car parks. Worse, that monster Hasdruban (may he suffer the Curse of the Withered Plums!) regressed me into the body of a weak, pitiful, pasty-faced 13-year-old human boy. Oh, the horror! And - indignity piled upon indignity - the witless loons of earth refused to believe my story, and put me in a foster home - with a wretched, human family of sickening do-gooders, no less! And then... and then... did they chain me in the deep caverns below the world? Did they cage me with Holy Bonds or wrap me up in Adamantine Chains and such like? No, no, much worse than that! They forced me to go to school! SCHOOL!!! NOOOOOooooo!
Their first book, Dark Lord: The Teenage Years, won the Roald Dahl humour prize 2012.

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